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Me: “I’d like to return a defective boomerang”
Store manager: “OK, sure! Where is it?”
Me: “I have no idea”.

Paul
 

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A boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls alongside.
"If you get in," the driver says, "I’ll give you £10."
The boy refuses and keeps walking.
A bit further along, the man again pulls over. "Okay," he says. "How about £20 and a packet of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to piss off and carries on walking. Still further up the road, the man again pulls to the curb.
"Right," he says. "This is my final offer; I’ll give you £50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops walking, goes towards the car, and leans in.
"Look, Dad" he hisses, "You bought the bloody Skoda, so you’ll have to live with it.

Paul
 

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband
and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech all the men started clapping...

Paul
 

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A little rhyme that amused me..........

I have a little Satnav

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.

Paul
 

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist !!!!!!>:)

Paul
 

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Just got home to a message saying my wife’s in Casualty. I’ve watched 6 episodes on BBC iPlayer and still no sign of her.
 

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down...

I got sent off after 12 minutes!
 
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