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Discussion Starter #221
The Latest (true) News From Hull...UK Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Hull Pair in Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”


Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She
could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”


But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a *** on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”


Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
:surprise:

 

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Discussion Starter #222
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah." Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
 

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Discussion Starter #223
Some guy
bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung
a
Sign on
it saying: 'Free to good home.


You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without
anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were
too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read:
'Fridge for sale £50.'


The next
day someone stole it! :grin:
 

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Discussion Starter #224
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans/English

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans/English

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans/English

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans/English

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans/English


CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

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Discussion Starter #225
STOLEN CAR

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling Back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's genitalia hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out. "Holy sh!t! My girlfriend's gone, too!! :smile_big:
 

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Discussion Starter #226
Catholic Heart Attack

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
A store clerk called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where
he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns
at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board
loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance.
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

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Discussion Starter #227
An old nun who was living in a convent next
to a construction site noticed the coarse

l
anguage of the workers and decided to
spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them,
so she put her sandwich
in a
brown bag and walked over to the spot where
the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of
you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. Then one of the
workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there
know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "’Cause his mum's here with his lunch''

 

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Discussion Starter #228
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled

out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train!"

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough,
he leaned over and said into the phone,


"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
 

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Some scumbag has just stolen my hand-carved, souvenir limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?




How does The Pope pay for his online purchases?
Using his Pa-pal account.
 

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Discussion Starter #230
Here's an old one you might have missed


Camila, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.
That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room, She flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would Not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy.
Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
 

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Discussion Starter #231
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
 

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Discussion Starter #233
Oi. Are you on holiday.:surprise:

Where's the Jokes, you have a back log.:wink::angel:

That idiot "Sineu", he's more of a joke than some of the jokes I post.
I've just finished replying to his last post about me, he wants to be a moderator, and then he can ban me from this forum, He wants to report me to the teacher :crying:.
Anyway, I'll post a couple now!
 

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Discussion Starter #234 (Edited)
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a big guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
 

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Discussion Starter #235
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written
on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;"
or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy?



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue
where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks
.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced
.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.


6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...


7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.


8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom
.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized
.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.
 

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Discussion Starter #236 (Edited)
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
------------
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

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My aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Ernie? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
-------------

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

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What do you call a dog with no legs? -
Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter #237
Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of
ham, then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 3 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
beer belly.
 

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Discussion Starter #238 (Edited)
Courtroom Drama

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat

him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare
officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team,
whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 

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Hi all,

I see many sites have a Joke section where we can all share our favourite gags, so why not have one here.

All we ask is you keep them within the site Rules remembering we are an open public forum.

Enjoy,

Paul
 

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My wife has insisted that I take up boxing and call her Adrian...
I think we’re going through a bit of a Rocky patch.

Paul
 
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