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6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #201
I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it!

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult
to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.


6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #202
Its Billy again -in Yorkshire this time!

While teaching modern history the teacher asks the class
to give her a sentence with "brexit" and its meaning.
Billy puts his hand up in the air.
Yes Billy she says cringinly.
"Eee well that's like when our fat lass come 'ome from werk

and sits on t' garden chair and brexit."

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #203
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!! We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset. Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!! Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #204
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences" :wink:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #205
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. ......

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #206
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left
a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the
milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the
door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or
1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my ****."

The biggest joke of the day

The labour party has promised today, if they get into Number 10
Free broadband for everybody :smile_big: :smile_big: :smile_big: Now that's a bloody good joke :grin:
They will promise you the moon for votes :wink:.

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #207
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on The even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through".
"So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #208
Not another blond joke !

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its
slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts
to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground time and time again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Tesco’s
trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #209

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.
"...Secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village." :wink:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #210 (Edited)
Well it finally happened...

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:
"Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's
for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to
pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
"Is this her first child?" asks the
"No!" he shouts, "this is her
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and
sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he
asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde
"The rope should be around your neck" says the
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba
divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward,
they'd still be in the boat."
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to
take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found
A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close
your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street
was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all
of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.


6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #211
A scratch golfer hits his ball three
hundred yards straight down the
, and it hits a sprinkler and careers
off into the woods.
He finds the ball, but trees surround it.
He is not happy, says what the ****,
grabs his nine-iron, and hits the
ball as hard as he can.
It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s
head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven,

and God himself is at
the Pearly Gates to greet him.
Looking up his records,
God sees that the
guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says,

“I got here in two, didn’t I?” :wink:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #212
A foursome approached the
sixteenth tee.
The straight fairway ran along a
road and bike
path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed of and
hooked the ball
into that direction.
But the ball went over the fence
and bounced
off the bike path onto the road,
where it hit
the tire of a moving bus and
was knocked
back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in silent amazement,
one man finally asked him,
“How on earth did you do that?”
He shrugged his shoulders and said,
“You have to know the bus schedule.” :grin:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #213 (Edited)
Not another golf joke !!!

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing.
The young one is really good and the
old one is just giving him tips.
They are on hole 8 and there is a tree
in the way and the grandpa says,
"When I was your age, I would hit the
ball right over that tree."
So, the grandson hits the balland it
bumps against the tree and lands not
to far from where it started.

"Of course," added the grandpa,
"When I was your age,
the tree was only 3 feet tall."

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #214

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob
and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.


6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #215
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.
"Breastfed", she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know", she said, "I am his Grandma.

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #216
For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4,
this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion
about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket
prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.
An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years
ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:
"That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted, "Not
for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the
interval, you wouldn't!” :wink:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #217
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said:
"You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"
And then she switched on the light.
"No ma'am", said the Gardener. :surprise:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #218
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender,
‘What’s the Wi-Fi password?’
Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'
Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'
Bartender: 'We have Fullers Extra Special Bitter on hand pump.'
Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Bartender: '£3.80 a pint'
Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the Wi-Fi password?'
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.”

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #219
After a few too many visits to the "House of Horizontal Pleasure” a young man notices green lumps on his willy.
So, off he goes to the doctor. "You know how wrestlers and rugby union players get cauliflower ears?" says the doctor.
"Yes" says the man, nodding seriously. "Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts." :surprise:

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter #220
On a beautiful summer's day, two american tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress.
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? '
The girl leaned over and said, ' Burrr . gurrr . king
201 - 220 of 265 Posts