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Discussion Starter #1
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto !
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls !
 

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:grin::grin:


I got 15 Valentines cards yesterday.

I'm still a bit shocked and out of breath.






The security guard in Clintons can't half run fast :smile_big:
 

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:grin::grin:


I got 15 Valentines cards yesterday.

I'm still a bit shocked and out of breath.






The security guard in Clintons can't half run fast :smile_big:
I didn’t get any Valentine cards, I usually just get one.


It’s been a bad year so far, first Granny dies, then this.........
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Old Doc Geezer

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near
death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and
brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
Crossing The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"
God replied:
"****! I didn't recognize you :surprise:.
 

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The importance of spacing and punctuation....

theresamaypoledancer

Is this


"there's a maypole dancer",

Or

Theresa May - Pole Dancer?
 

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My Nephews girlfriend had a dose of Thrush.....told her to try Natural Yoghurt. After 3 weeks, she still had thrush, so I asked her why. She replied....'I don't know, I keep eating it and nothing is happening'.:surprise::smile_big:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!"... The old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off the 189..":surprise:
 

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Discussion Starter #11
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looked up from his newspaper and said; “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
She said, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nodded and said “Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.”
She giggled and said; “That’s exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”
He looked her up and down and said;
“Mission Accomplished.” :surprise:.

 
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Discussion Starter #12
I was standing in a bar yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"
"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
 
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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Thank goodness this doesn't sound like any of us :wink:.

Written by a third grader , on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa
got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but its strapped to the ground. They
ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building
called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there , but they don't do
them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a
doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go
cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked
center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work
hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let
people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS :smile_big:.


 
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Whad'ya mean...'Like Us'........Like you maybe, ol' fella.:grin::grin:
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Whad'ya mean...'Like Us'........Like you maybe, ol' fella.:grin::grin:

Your no spring chicken :wink: :smile_big:.
 

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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."



No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Give me an Amen brother! :angel:.
 
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Discussion Starter #18
A car full of Irish Nuns is sitting at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your ****, yer bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross." Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off yer drunken misbegotten ******* sons of tinted dried up grandmotherly whores before I come over there, tear youse each a new ******* and then bite yer poxy balls off!" Sister Immaculate looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?":surprise:
 

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Discussion Starter #19
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the ******* is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours
 
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Discussion Starter #20
FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH (always pronounced as Van GO)



His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ---- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle --------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh :smile_big:.
 
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