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6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was
talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said,
"If you lost a few pounds,
had a
shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look
all right."
I said,
"If I did that,
I'd be
talking to your friends over there instead of you."

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I was
telling a girl in the pub about
my ability
to guess what day a
woman was born
just by
feeling her boobs.
she said, "Go on then...try."
about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples
she began
to lose patience and said.
"Come on,
what day was I born"?
I said,

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I went to
the pub last night and saw
a fat
chick dancing on a table.
I said,
"Great legs."
The girl
giggled and said with a smile,
"Do you
really think so."
I said
tables would have collapsed by now. "

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
A Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on
the dance floor giving it large -
break dancing, moon walking, back flips,
the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy?
years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
"Looks like he's still f**king' celebrating!!!

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
A recent article in Newsday reported that a woman

has sued her local hospital, saying that after
her husband

was treated there recently, he had
lost all
interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,

""The man was actually admitted in

Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...""�

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<div dir="ltr">
<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>A handsome young lad went into the hospital
for some minor surgery,

<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>and the day after the procedure a friend
stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>His friend was amazed at the number of nurses
who entered the room in short intervals

<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>with refreshments, offers to fluff his
pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>"Why all the attention?" the friend asked,
"You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient.

<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan
club when

<div ="mts uiAttachmentDesc translationEligibleUserAttachmentMessage" -ft='"tn":"M"'>they all heard that my circumcision required
twenty-seven stitches."

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase
his sales,
<div ="gmail_quote">
<div ="HOEnZb">
<div ="h5">
<div ="gmail_quote">

<div dir="ltr">

so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said

that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close,

the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this
A week later, Paddy, with his friend ****,

pulled in for another fill-up.
Again Paddy asked
for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked

him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed
2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3,

you were very close, but no free sex this
As they were driving away, **** said to Paddy,

'I think that game is rigged

and he doesn't really give away free sex at
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough ****.

My wife won twice last

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<div dir="ltr">
<div ="text_exposed_root text_exposed">A scouser is
walking his dog when he encounters a Genie.

<div ="text_exposed_root text_exposed">The Genie
agrees to grant him one wish.
The scouser says, "I wish that my dog wins
Crufts 2013!

<div ="text_exposed_root text_exposed">He has 3
legs, Fleas, Most teeth missing and only one ear."
"I'm not a miracle worker
mate, Make another wish." Replies the Genie.
The scouser says, "Fair
enough, I understand.

<div ="text_exposed_root text_exposed">I wish that liverpool win the premier league."
The Genie
says, "Let take another look at that dog......"

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<div align="justify" style=": white;">A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

<div align="justify" style=": white;">The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth,

<div align="justify" style=": white;">he talks for only eight

<div align="justify" style=": white;">

<div align="justify" style=": white;">The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes

<div align="justify" style=": white;">but the following Sunday he talks for 2 hours and 48

<div align="justify" style=": white;">
congregation had to mob him to get him down

<div align="justify" style=": white;">from the
pulpit and they asked him what happened.

<div align="justify" style=": white;">

<div align="justify" style=": white;">The Pastor explained the first Sunday

<div align="justify" style=": white;">his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

<div align="justify" style=": white;">The second Sunday

<div align="justify" style=": white;">his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

<div align="justify" style=": white;">But, the third Sunday,

<div align="justify" style=": white;">he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div dir="ltr">After proposing to
his girlfriend at the weekend

<div dir="ltr">paddy drove
to Brighton for a night of passion ,

<div dir="ltr">as they pulled up
at a red light he

<div dir="ltr">slid his hand under
her skirt above her stockings ,

<div dir="ltr">she whispered in
his ear

<div dir="ltr">"now we are engaged
you can go further ...

<div dir="ltr">So
paddy drove to Bournemouth!

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div style=": white;">A dog lover, whose dog was a female
and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour'smale dog while the
neighbours were on
She had a large house and believed that she could
keep the two dogs apart.

<div style=": white;">However, as she was drifting off to sleep
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found
the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently
happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as
to what to do next,

<div style=": white;">although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

<div style=": white;">After she explained the problem to him,
the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

<div style=": white;">I will then call you back and the noise of
the ringing will make

<div style=": white;">the male lose his erection and he will be
able to withdraw."

" Do you think that will work ? " she

" It just worked for me !! " he

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Joe wanted to buy a
motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the
seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's
quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's
gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his
girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take
the bike there.
But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before
we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle
of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is
another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to
dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe
decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in
front of her parents.

His girlfriend
is flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits
back down, but no one says a word.

So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her.
Now his
girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father
""I'll do the dishes!!!""�

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">Ona golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedesinto

<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">station in aremote part of the
Thepump attendant who knows absolutely nothing
about golf,

<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">greetshim in a
typical Irishmanner completely
<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">unaware of who the golfing prois.
"Top of
themornin' toyer, sir" says theattendant.
Tiger nods aquick
"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">As he does so, twotees fall
out of his shirt pocket onto theground.
"Whatare those?, asks the
attendant. "They'recalled tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what
onthis god's earth are deyfor"?
<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">inquires theIrishman.
"They're forresting my balls on
when I'm driving", saysTiger
<div style="text-indent: 0px; word-spacing: 0px;" dir="ltr">"FookinJaysus", says theIrishman,
"Mercedesthinks of everything!".

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Tony and Yvonne were 85
years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from
rich, they managed to get by because

Tony watched their

Though not young, they
were both in very good health, largely

due to Yvonne's
insistence on healthy foods and exercise

for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on

yet another holiday and
their plane crashed,

sending them off to

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them

He took them to a
beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked
kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen
hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in
astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home

Tony asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter
replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right

he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than

any ever built on

'What are the greens

Tony.. 'This
is heaven,' St. Peter replied.

'You can play for free,
every day.'

Next they went to the
clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,

with every imaginable
cuisine laid out before them,

from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said
St. Peter to Tony.

This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and
glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low
fat and low cholesterol foods

and the
decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.

'You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you

like and you will never
get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!' 'No gym
to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure

All you do here is enjoy

Tony glared at Yvonne and

'You and your f**king
Bran Flakes.

We could have been
here ten years ago!'


6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at
his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and
I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains,
"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it
telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I rear-ended a car this
morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got
out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get so stressed and little
things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

So, I
looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the
fight started...

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
When I got home last night, my wife
demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to apetrol
And then the fight started....

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
After retiring, I went to the Social
Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I
excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security
She said, 'you! should have dropped your pants. You might have
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
<div ="yiv0159018292Msonormal" style=": white;">Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of

<div ="yiv0159018292Msonormal" style=": white;">Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue

<div ="yiv0159018292Msonormal" style=": white;">when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an
elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Chum Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices
and I Vs in both arms.

I told her that it was
essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your
pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel
hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going
to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue
was now enthralled with
my story.)

<div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<div ="yiv0159018292Msonormal" style=": white;">Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog

food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an

Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her
was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned
from Tescos.

6,725 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Once upon a
time, a guy asked a beautiful girl
'Will you marry me?'

The girl said,

And the guy
lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles,

played golf a lot,
drank beer and scotch,

had tons of
money in the bank

and left the
toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.
1 - 20 of 52 Posts