Brian is hospital talking to his friend Bob on the phone-Bob I'm in the hospital, I'm OK now and the doctor said that I should make a full recovery and you know what, The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Stakes is the race....Steaks is what they become after the Stakes are finished.....so beware of any tough meat, see if you can spy them with your Birds Eye......it should have...can they Findus on their backs....as they go into an Ikea cafe....
The two British
cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office.
All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for
breakfast?"Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was
reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a
ABSENTEE: A missing golfing
ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting
ACCRUE: People who work on a
ADAMANT: The very first Insect.
What you ring when you go visiting.
ALARMS: What an octopus
ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving.
The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.
ANTIDOTE: The reason
Mom's Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch
ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won't forgive
ANTISOCIAL: Mother's sister being friendly.
MEREDIEM: Thata's why he's my Uncle.
ARBITRATOR: A cook
that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man
whose career lies in ruins.
ARTERY: Study of
ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are
AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same
as French Kiss, ... only down under!
AVAIL: Piece of cloth that
stops woman from looking so ugly.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter
tries to do.
BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a
BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment
BIOLOGY: Study of shopping
BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing
BOYCOTT: His crib.... not
BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her
BROADBAND: An all girl musical
BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts
BUDGET: An attempt to live below your
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees
CAESAREAN SECTION: District in
CANTALOUPE: Got to get married in
CARNATION: Country where everybody has a four
CARAMEL: A motorized camel!
Made eye contact with her.
CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or
a Harry won't do !
CIRCUMVENT: The opening in the front of boxer
CISTERN: Opposite of brothern.
The only thing you can do with a ladder.
COFFEE: A person who is
CIONSIDE: What most people do when it
CONSCIENCE: The thing which hurts when everything else
CONTROL: A short, ugly
COUNTERFEITER: Worker who puts together kitchen
CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over
CROWBAR: Where birds can get a
DAMNATION: Beaver country.
Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.
DEBUT: De part of the body you must park to be
DECAGON: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total
washout in an accident.
DECAY: De letter which comes after de
DECLINE: Nudists in formation.
magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your
DEPTH: Height turned upside
DILATE: To live long.
pains. Always troubling dismisses.
DINOSAUR: How a giant lizard
feels after a tough workout.
DISNEYLAND: A people trap operated
by a mouse.
DOGMA: Affectionate parent of the little
DOGMATIC: Run by canine power.
Instrument to get you into the godfather's house
an English barber does for a living.
ECONOMIST: A person who
knows more about money than people who have it.
(e-jac-u-late): Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy
ENEMA: Not a friend.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby
doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FIBULA: A small
FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form
FINITE: Sir Lancelot.
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
FOBIA: The fear of misspelled
FORUM: In favor of drinking
GARGOYLE: An olive flavored mouthwash.
ALE: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to
GOLD-DIGGER: A sweet young girl with the gift of the
HABITUATE: Disgusting Mannerisms.... Smoking for
HANGING: A suspended sentence.
What a hen does to an egg.
HEROES: What a guy in a canoe
HUMBUG: A singing cockroach.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still
INFANTRY: A sapling.
ducks are supposed to fly!
INKLING: A baby fountain
INTENSE: Where campers sleep.
JOKEY: What a
dentist uses when you won't open your mouth.
KIDNEY: Midpoint of
a child's leg.
LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was
full of loot.
LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason.
To walk with a lisp.
MISTY: How golfers create
MORBID: Higher offer
MUCUS: A cat swear
MUNCHKIN: What cannibals do to
NITRATE: Cheaper than day rate.
Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted after seeing a
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel
PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from
PECAN: A container to urinate
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
What penguins see with.
POLYGON: Who left the cage door
POST OPERATIVE: Letter carrier.
All that's left after you smoke the joint.
your spouse from in front of the TV.
PROTEIN: Favoring young
PSYCHO-CERAMICS: The study of
RAMPAGE: Section of a book about male
RATIFY: To use a spell and turn a person into a
REALM: To be charitable ... once
REBEL: What you have to do when kids don't come to class
when first called.
RECOUNT: Honorary Title reaffirmed by
RECOVERY ROOM: Place to do
RECTANGLE: What the fisherman was left with after
his brush with Moby Dick.
RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified
demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines
RECTUM: It almost killed him.
messed up point in Tennis, when you were on
REGATTA: Where the drunkard found himself tonight
RELIEF: What trees do in the
RENDER: The Animals that draw Santa's
ROMAN: What you need to do to win the
RUBBERNECK: What tou can do to relax your
SAUNA BATH: A slimming pool.
Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
SELFISH: What the owner of a
seafood store does.
SUBDUED: A guy that works on
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sickness at an
TESTICLE: A humorous question on an
TREASON: What the acorn is to the
TUMOR: An extra pair.
URINE: Opposite of
WHOLESOME: The only thing from which you can take the
whole and still have some left.
WISE-CRACK: A comedian with a
YANKEE: The same as a quickie, ...but you can do it by
ZEBRA: Ze cloth which covers ze
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irvine."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece
When it used to be the size of a 5
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 luxury holidays a
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">A couple had been
married for 50 years.
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">They were sitting at
the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago
we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'I know,' the old
man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'Well,' Granny
snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">Where upon, the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'You know, honey,'
the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years ago.'
<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'I wouldn't be
surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your
Just before the
funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?
replied...'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,'
the undertaker commented..She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is