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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Brian is hospital talking to his friend Bob on the phone-Bob I'm in the hospital, I'm OK now and the doctor said that I should make a full recovery and you know what, The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
 

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The Pope is actually retiring because he hasn't been paid for two months





Apparently there's a problem with his Papal account
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Mafia is getting lazy these days, woke up this morning and found a frozen lasagna on the pillow next to me
 

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Cheltenham Races soon......I wonder of any of the races will be called 'The Tesco Stakes' ????????? Edited by: flash22
 

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Stakes is the race....Steaks is what they become after the Stakes are finished.....so beware of any tough meat, see if you can spy them with your Birds Eye......it should have...can they Findus on their backs....as they go into an Ikea cafe....
 

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The two British
cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office.
All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for
breakfast?"Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was
reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and
Tina..."........
 

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"I found my 12 yr old boy looking up womens skirts today", I told the barman tonight.
"Thats quite normal", the barman replied. "Not on bloody Ebay its not" !
 

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A German teacher asked his students to make a sentence with these 4 words in English:

1.Defeat
2.Deduct
3.Defense
4.Detail


At first everyone in the classroom looked at each other in astonishment.

Then suddenly one boy yelled out "The feet of the duck went over the fence before the tail!
 

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Hard of Hearing.
Bloke went to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
Doc says "can you describe the symptoms?"
Bloke replies...."Homers a fat fellow and Marge has got blue hair."
 

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definitions
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.
ABSENTEE: A missing golfing
accessory.
ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting
pool.
ACCRUE: People who work on a
ship.
ADAMANT: The very first Insect.
ADORABLE:
What you ring when you go visiting.
ALARMS: What an octopus
is.
ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving.
ALIMONY:
The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.
ANTIDOTE: The reason
Mom's Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch
you.
ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won't forgive
Uncle!
ANTISOCIAL: Mother's sister being friendly.
ANTE
MEREDIEM: Thata's why he's my Uncle.
ARBITRATOR: A cook
that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man
whose career lies in ruins.
ARTERY: Study of
paintings.
ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are
cremated.
ATLAS: Finally
AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same
as French Kiss, ... only down under!
AVAIL: Piece of cloth that
stops woman from looking so ugly.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter
tries to do.
BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a
cafeteria.
BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment
fails.
BIOLOGY: Study of shopping
habits.
BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing
underwear.
BOYCOTT: His crib.... not
hers!
BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her
husband's bidding
BROADBAND: An all girl musical
group.
BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts
student.
BUDGET: An attempt to live below your
yearnings.
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees
with.
CAESAREAN SECTION: District in
Rome.
CANTALOUPE: Got to get married in
Church.
CARNATION: Country where everybody has a four
wheeler.
CARAMEL: A motorized camel!
CAUTERIZE:
Made eye contact with her.
CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or
a Harry won't do !
CIRCUMVENT: The opening in the front of boxer
shorts.
CISTERN: Opposite of brothern.
CLIMATE:
The only thing you can do with a ladder.
COFFEE: A person who is
coughed upon.
CIONSIDE: What most people do when it
rains.
CONSCIENCE: The thing which hurts when everything else
feels good.
CONTROL: A short, ugly
inmate.
COUNTERFEITER: Worker who puts together kitchen
cabinets.
CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over
her pupils.
CROWBAR: Where birds can get a
drink.
DAMNATION: Beaver country.
DANCE:
Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.
DARE: Not
here.
DEBUT: De part of the body you must park to be
seated.
DECAGON: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total
washout in an accident.
DECAY: De letter which comes after de
J.
DECLINE: Nudists in formation.
DENTIST: A
magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your
pocket.
DEPTH: Height turned upside
down.
DILATE: To live long.
DISGUISE: Such
pains. Always troubling dismisses.
DINOSAUR: How a giant lizard
feels after a tough workout.
DISNEYLAND: A people trap operated
by a mouse.
DOGMA: Affectionate parent of the little
s.o.b.
DOGMATIC: Run by canine power.
DONKEY:
Instrument to get you into the godfather's house
ECLIPSE: What
an English barber does for a living.
ECONOMIST: A person who
knows more about money than people who have it.
EJACULATE
(e-jac-u-late): Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy
again.
ENEMA: Not a friend.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy
opthalmologist.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby
doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FIBULA: A small
lie.
FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form
!
FINITE: Sir Lancelot.
FLATULENCE: The
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
FOBIA: The fear of misspelled
words.
FORUM: In favor of drinking
Bacardi.
GARGOYLE: An olive flavored mouthwash.
GINGER
ALE: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to
sleep.
GOLD-DIGGER: A sweet young girl with the gift of the
grab!
HABITUATE: Disgusting Mannerisms.... Smoking for
example.
HANGING: A suspended sentence.
HATCHET:
What a hen does to an egg.
HEROES: What a guy in a canoe
does.
HUMBUG: A singing cockroach.
ILLEGAL: A
sick bird.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still
vivid.
INFANTRY: A sapling.
INFORMATION: How
ducks are supposed to fly!
INKLING: A baby fountain
pen!
INTENSE: Where campers sleep.
JOKEY: What a
dentist uses when you won't open your mouth.
KIDNEY: Midpoint of
a child's leg.
LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was
full of loot.
LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason.
LYMPH:
To walk with a lisp.
MISTY: How golfers create
divots.
MORBID: Higher offer
MUCUS: A cat swear
word.
MUNCHKIN: What cannibals do to
relatives.
NITRATE: Cheaper than day rate.
NODE:
Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted after seeing a
Doctor's bill.
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.
PARADOX: Two
physicians.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel
Tower.
PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from
scratch.
PECAN: A container to urinate
in.
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
POLARIZE:
What penguins see with.
POLYGON: Who left the cage door
open?
POST OPERATIVE: Letter carrier.
POTASH:
All that's left after you smoke the joint.
PRIMATE: Removing
your spouse from in front of the TV.
PROTEIN: Favoring young
people.
PSYCHO-CERAMICS: The study of
crackpots.
RAMPAGE: Section of a book about male
sheep.
RATIFY: To use a spell and turn a person into a
rodent.
REALM: To be charitable ... once
again!
REBEL: What you have to do when kids don't come to class
when first called.
RECOUNT: Honorary Title reaffirmed by
Floridans.
RECOVERY ROOM: Place to do
upholstery.
RECTANGLE: What the fisherman was left with after
his brush with Moby Dick.
RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified
demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines
you.
RECTUM: It almost killed him.
REDUCE: A
messed up point in Tennis, when you were on
'Advantage'.
REGATTA: Where the drunkard found himself tonight
... again!
RELIEF: What trees do in the
spring.
RENDER: The Animals that draw Santa's
carriage.
ROMAN: What you need to do to win the
Regatta.
RUBBERNECK: What tou can do to relax your
wife.
SAUNA BATH: A slimming pool.
SEAMSTRESS:
Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
SELFISH: What the owner of a
seafood store does.
SUBDUED: A guy that works on
submarines.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sickness at an
airport.
TESTICLE: A humorous question on an
exam.
TREASON: What the acorn is to the
oak.
TUMOR: An extra pair.
URINE: Opposite of
"you're out"!
VARICOSE: Located
nearby.
WHOLESOME: The only thing from which you can take the
whole and still have some left.
WISE-CRACK: A comedian with a
PHD.
YANKEE: The same as a quickie, ...but you can do it by
yourself!
ZEBRA: Ze cloth which covers ze
breasts!
 

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to
catch her in the act.

For £100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly
arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.


The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the man's
head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited
money.


HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you.

HE paid for our
new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE
paid for our house on the Costa del Sol

HE paid for our golf club
membership, and HE even pays the monthly bills!"

Shaking his head from
side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cab
driver and says "What would you do?"

The cab driver replies, "I'd cover
him with that blanket before he catches cold."
 

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A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
<div ="WordSection1">




"I'm divorcing Irvine."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My
vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece
When it used to be the size of a 5
pence piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000
Ferrari,
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 luxury holidays a
year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"

Now
that's a Jewish
mother!!!
 

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<div dir="ltr">A man is pacing around in the
waiting room

<div dir="ltr">of the hospital waiting for
his wife to give birth.
A doctor enters the room and says, "Congratulations,
sir!

<div dir="ltr">You are the father of FOUR
bouncing baby boys."
"I'm not surprised, I've got a dick like a chimney
stack!"

<div dir="ltr">boasts the father.
"Well
you want to get it swept then,"

<div dir="ltr">replies the
doctor,

<div dir="ltr">"because they're all
black."
 

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<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">A couple had been
married for 50 years.

<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">They were sitting at
the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago
we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'I know,' the old
man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'


<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'Well,' Granny
snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">Where upon, the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'You know, honey,'
the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years ago.'

<div align="center" ="ecxyiv1377869453Msonormal" style="text-align: center;">'I wouldn't be
surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your
oatmeal
 

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<div style=": white;">A woman in a supermarket is following a
grandfather and his badly

<div style=": white;">behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her
that he has his

<div style=": white;">hands full with the child screaming for sweets
in the sweet aisle,

<div style=": white;">biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
cereal and pop in the other aisles.

<div style=": white;">Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around,
saying in a controlled Voice,

<div style=": white;">"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy,
boy."

<div style=": white;">Another outburst, and she hears the granddad
calmly say, "It's okay, William,

<div style=": white;">just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang in there, boy."

<div style=": white;">At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
Items out of the cart, and Granddad

<div style=": white;">says again in a controlled voice, "William,
William, relax buddy, don't get upset.

<div style=": white;">We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."

<div style=": white;">Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the
grandfather is loading

<div style=": white;">his groceries and the boy into the
car.

<div style=": white;">She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of
my business, but you were amazing

<div style=": white;">In there. I don't know how you did it. That
whole time, you kept your composure,

<div style=": white;">and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,
you just calmly kept saying things

<div style=": white;">would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
as his grandpa."

<div style=": white;">"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William
-- the little sh*t's name is Kevin."
 

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Just before the
funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?
'98,' she
replied...'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,'
the undertaker commented..She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is
it?
 
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